Everyone wants good service when they go to a bar, restaurant or cafe. But most people have absolutely no idea how to get great table service.

I consider myself an expert on the subject because over the years I have waited on tables and served coffee and beer to thousands, in every hospitality position from kitchen hand through to owner.

Here are the quickest ways to end up with faeces in your food.

When you arrive, announce that you are a regular, have been coming for years, and have never seen your waiter before. Then expect to be served food from the menu that was taken off the menu 6 months ago, for which nothing has been prepped.

Expect your waiter to be psychic, knowing what you ordered 30 minutes ago (espescially if someone else ordered on your behalf), the exact cost of every item on the menu, and any discounts you are entitled to. Just because you haven’t seen your waiter before doesn’t mean they shouldn’t know all of these things.

Answer your phone half way through your order. Just because you are popular and in demand, doesn’t mean your waiter cares. They have other important assholes to look after. Decide what you want to order while your waiter is trying to take your drinks order. Generally try to take up as much of your waiters time as you can, because waiters have nothing better to do.

Announce Loudly ” You Must Be New”, as soon as your waiter shows any sign of not knowing who you are, what you want, or how to key in your bizarre order.

If a mistake happens (and they do) berate your server for their mistake (even though they are simply the messenger). The prime thing to remember in this situation, is that whoever sees you at your table, usually has nothing to do with your food. Their job is essentially as a  messenger. Be precise when you order, without being rude, and your food will come as you requested. If there has been a mistake, it usually is the fault of the kitchen. Be default, chefs are the rudest, more arrogant, hated people in a kitchen and chances are your waiter wants nothing more than to stab them with a butchers knife. However, this is the person to whom your wrong meal based wrath should be directed.

Roll your eyes when your waiter tells you that they are out of your favorite meal. Once again, not your waiters fault.

And finally,

Do whatever you can to get your waiter fired for their incompetence.

At this stage I would like to point out an anecdote that I have come to rely on during my time as a waiter.

Those who can, do. Those who can’t, teach. Those who can’t teach, write. Those who can’t write? They manage restaurants. Give the staff a break, chances are they work for a food service version of Hitler.